The idea of being alone without being lonely is definitely a muscle I’ve built over time. I think I was good at it as a kid, I was an only child and preferred books and dogs over people. I had friends but I loved being alone to adventure.
I’ve been sick for about seven days or so now and so I haven’t been in the physical presence of anyone except the occasional neighbour from afar. On days my symptoms seemed to dissipate, I worked with clients via phone or Zoom.
And I’m at peace. Alone and enjoying it.
I also notice that I keep checking in to see if what seems to be typical for me would be considered “normal” for others. Aren’t we funny. Each of us unique beings, seeking to normalize our uniqueness by measuring against the standards of other unique beings. Here’s where the pathologizing begins, “is this an issue that I need this much alone time?”
I wrote a piece a long time ago, which I wish I still had about being alone vs being lonely. I did find my journal with the rough notes I kept over several years of going through this process, working on the shadow aspects of me. These notes allowed me to better distinguish what I was experiencing, identify my needs and then meet them!
The distinction between being alone and being lonely came down to how I chose to experience solitude. Here’s what I wrote:
- Being alone is a physical state—it simply means I am by myself. It can be intentional and even enjoyable, it offers me time for reflection, creativity, or rest. I seek solitude when I need peace, self-care, or focus.
- Being lonely is an emotional state—it means I feel disconnected or unseen, it even arises when I’m surrounded by others. My loneliness carries a sense of longing. I crave connection, understanding, and companionship that isn’t being met.
I have been alone without feeling lonely, and I have felt lonely in crowds.
I can choose to experience solitude as fulfilling or as a painful absence of connection.
We can use these human experiences to explore and discover the many aspects of ourselves we’re afraid to encounter.
And find peace within.
