When I begin an engagement with a new client, I pay close attention to what I hear in the intake meeting with HR or the supervising leader that’s contracting the work, not just the facts, but the language. It gives me clues to the culture the person works inside of.
Sometimes it’s: “I don’t think this person can change, but let’s give it a shot.” Sometimes: “This person just won’t comply. I don’t think they’ve got it in them.” Sometimes it’s overt, sometimes it’s very subtle… what’s left unsaid or hinted at.
Rather listen?
Then I start the work. And more than once, I’ve discovered that the person hasn’t stopped changing at all, it’s their supervisor’s perception that’s stuck (or what HR believes is possible). The individual has done the hard part: owning their behaviour, acknowledging it, changing it. Nobody noticed, because nobody was looking for it.
That verdict, “people don’t change” is the one I find heartbreaking. It’s a quiet way of giving up on someone. And giving up on people is one of the saddest things I witness.
This post could go a dozen directions. Today I want to focus on the question that rarely gets asked: what do you do when it’s truly not you?
First, though, what makes someone believe, with every fibre of their being, that people don’t change?
Why We Believe People Don’t Change
1. We keep seeing the same pattern. If someone shows you the same behaviour after promise after promise, you stop expecting different. Fair enough.
2. Confirmation bias. We notice what confirms what we already believe and miss what doesn’t. Expect no change, and you’ll find evidence of no change. This happens more than you’d think.
3. Fear of vulnerability. Believing someone can’t change protects you from being disappointed again. I’ve seen this one plenty.
4. A fixed mindset. Some people experience traits and behaviour as fixed, not malleable – often shaped by their own history or the culture around them. This is where it gets deep.
5. A short-term lens. Change is slow and uneven. If you’re watching for quick results, you’ll miss the slower arc of transformation. It’s why I hold firm to a six-month minimum on coaching engagements, real change needs runway.
Do People Actually Change? Yes, Under Conditions
1. Motivation. Change starts when someone has a real reason to grow, a life event, a hard look in the mirror, a genuine desire for something different.
2. Awareness. You can’t change what you don’t see. Self-awareness is the starting line.
3. A supportive environment. Growth needs safety. And toxicity doesn’t always look cruel, plenty of “nice” cultures are quietly unsafe, demanding change while offering no room to practice it.
4. Effort and repetition. Change is built, not declared. If the culture around someone is impatient, demanding, or high-stakes, it sets unrealistic expectations before the person even starts.
5. Belief in possibility. People who believe they can change, do. That’s why self-observation, noticing your own language, mood, and body matters so much. And why having someone outside yourself, someone you trust, to see what you can’t, is often the missing piece.
What to Do When It’s Truly Not You
This one’s for you, if you’re the person who’s done the work. Owned it, acknowledged it, changed it and you’re still living under someone else’s verdict.
Keep your own record. Don’t wait for someone else to notice. Write down the specific moments you’ve handled differently. You need this evidence for yourself as much as for anyone else. A verdict is hard to argue with from memory alone.
Ask for specifics, not a verdict. Instead of absorbing “you haven’t changed,” ask “what would you need to see to believe this has changed?” It turns a vague judgment into something concrete you can actually work with or reveals that no evidence would satisfy them, which is its own answer.
Separate their perception from your reality. Someone’s belief that you haven’t changed is a statement about them, their fear, their fatigue, their fixed mindset, not a verdict on your effort or your worth. That distinction is easy to say and hard to hold onto, especially with someone whose opinion carries weight over your job or your relationship.
Find someone who can see it. A trusted colleague, a mentor, a coach, someone outside the relationship who can witness your change and reflect it back to you. You shouldn’t have to hold the evidence of your own growth alone.
Give yourself the patience you’re being denied. Real change is slow, and you know that better than anyone watching from the outside. Don’t let someone else’s impatience talk you out of the progress you can actually feel.
Here’s the distinction I keep coming back to though: change is surface. Transformation is deep and structural, rooted enough that it doesn’t revert. When I see someone written off before transformation had the chance to take hold, that’s the sentence that breaks my heart. Not because people always change. But because so often, we stop looking before they get the chance to change and transform.
Coaching for Real, Lasting Change
At the heart of every “this person can’t change” verdict is a chance, for the individual and the leaders around them, to look closer before giving up. Tracey Burns works with individuals navigating high-stakes perception and accountability, helping surface-level change become transformation that actually holds.
Individual coaching and support:
- Behavioural change and accountability coaching
- Rebuilding trust and perception after a difficult track record
- Self-awareness and self-observation practices
- Navigating high-stakes workplace relationships
- Sustainable, structural transformation, not quick fixes
Real change deserves to be seen. Start your journey with professional support today.
