Last week I released my ebook, Out Late | A Journey of Self-Love. The book originated from journal entries I kept as part of my self-reflective coaching practice. Written over several years starting in early 2006, each entry served as a way to clear my thoughts and nurture my creative soul.
Write your story and let go. There is freedom in completion and peace in forgiveness. Tracey Burns
After re-reading my journal one day I realized I had enough of a rough draft to actually write a book. Simultaneously I noticed that despite all the personal work I had done in therapy and in coaching, I still played out old unresolved stories in my head. Acting on a hunch, I went on a writing spree, dumping all of it out of my brain and into the book.
As I wrote, I resolved the stories and made peace and sense out of those parts of my life. I even had conversations with people from different times of my life being open to their version of events. I approached those conversations with openness which caused perspective and peace. I allowed myself to be wildly dramatic, and I had fun while writing, laughing and sometimes crying my eyes out. It was immensely cathartic. That chapter of my life, complete!
I met with a publisher who loved the book and asked for more pages, but the book sat and sat and sat. I gave copies to friends and colleagues to read who encouraged me to publish it. Still, the book sat.
It wasn’t that I lacked the discipline or the commitment to keep writing, I truly had nothing left to give it. Anything I would have written would have been filler, fluff and fiction. The stories didn’t have a hold on me anymore, there was no more drama.
I felt peace and overwhelming love in the space and clearing where all those stories had been.
The book touches on relationships, ways I’d been and not been, my lack of love for myself, and the war that constantly waged inside. The stories had given my inner critic hours, if not days’ worth of fuel. My inner critic was noisy, rude, interrupting and annoying. Now, the silence was palpable.
For good measure and for many more months I sat and stared at the text and blinking cursor. I did jumping jacks, danced, meditated, chewed gum, played with the dogs, walked the garden, sat in the garden, and attempted to write from my iPhone, in the car, at the beach, in different cities, at different times of the day. No words arrived. My story was complete exactly as it was and exactly as it wasn’t.
As June approached I remembered how many Pride Months had come and gone without me publishing the book.
Over the years I contemplated launch dates and thought that my story would best be told at the launch of Pride Month in the hopes that anyone questioning or “coming out” late in life might take comfort in my story.
I worked feverishly to complete the graphics and get the book into ebook format. I researched and downloaded an app that would house the digital download on my website. I sent the book to several more people to read and review. I coached my jitters by reminding myself that I’d already done a private reading many years previous and received rave reviews. I designed a website page for the book, and got everything loaded up, functioning as it should and ready to publish.
Several days into June (still stalling) I was doom-scrolling my Insta and Marie Forleo posted, “All progress begins with a brave decision. What’s one brave decision you can make today to start the week off right?” I knew instantly what mine would be.
Sometimes you just know when something’s complete exactly as it is and exactly as it isn’t. When your past becomes old news, you become fully present to the wonder of life happening in the here and now.
Telling your story whether it’s through writing, art, music, movement or any other creative expression, will bring you clarity and inner peace as it did for me. It’s a powerful tool to connect you to your self-worth and free you to move forward towards the future, with clarity and hopefulness.
Embrace every part of you and allow yourself to be authentically you. There’s a wellspring of joy, purpose, connection and meaning on the other side.
Although our stories are unique – they are ours alone – they connect us to each other in powerful ways.
What story are you ready to release?
